If there’s one lesson I can remember learning from Duck Tales, it was the meaning of the word “miser.” They were always using that word on the show, as if to drive that one specific vocabulary word deep into the tiny minds of the show’s viewers. And as a child, it really wasn’t the most useful vocabulary word to have. A kid probably never had any encounters with anyone in real life that would be considered a miser. At least I didn’t. I didn’t even know any rich people, and if I did, they certainly didn’t have piles of yellowy coins used mainly to swim in, slide down, or (god forbid) surf on. Even now, “miser” is one of those words that sound weirder and weirder the more you say it. Miser, miser, miser. And look at it all typed out like that! Looks like it’s spelled wrong or something, doesn’t it? But alas, it is spelled correctly…the English language is bizarre. Bizarre is kinda one of those words too, now that I look at it.
Scrooge McDuck – always a bit of a Walter Matthau a la Grumpy Old Men type of character…Oh yeah, except he was super rich.
Yeah...what was this going to be about? Um...lawl.Labels: Duck Tales, Miser, Pointless, unfinished, where could this possibly have been headed
(Case in Point) So what about the childhood toys that sucked? In the arts and crafts sector of 90s toys, we can think of nothing on earth that sucked worse than RoseArt industries. Specifically, of course, we are talking about RoseArt Crayons.
The slippery, waxy consistency of these shit-sticks always resulted in an overly slick picture, often with small clumps of the crayon left on the page. One annonymous account of a scarring experience with the crayons:
Children whose parents were less well-off were forced to submit to their parents thriftiness with the use of the greasy crayons as their primary coloring source. "The Crayons just plain sucked ass," claims Tyler Peterson, 20-year old resident of Tomah, Wisconsin. "They were soiled in grease to the point that your fingers would turn colors even through the paper on the crayons." The labels of the crayons were also made of wax, meaning that when the crayons broke in half the paper could hardly follow suit, leaving you with several pieces of waxy, unlabeled shit (see below).
After hearing these and other heartbreaking confessions, it was very difficult for us to say anything positive about the RoseArt brand, it's developers, or their immediate families. In fact, it saddened us to learn that Rose Art is STILL the #2 manufactuerer of crayons worldwide. But, we also learned, the Rose Art execs haven't been wasting their time as a constant runner up to Crayola. They have developed a niche market of their own:
HIPPY KID TOYS!!!
Yes, that homemade candle spells "Love".
Hmm...what's something else our hippy demographic will want their love child to have on hand when they're high?
Gah. So Typical.
If you can find a common bond between these words, naturally it would be this: Joust for the NES. Simply put, Joust offers more ostrich-riding, more egg-collecting, and more Unbeatable Pteropactyl-Beating than any other game to ever make it's way from the arcade to the Nintendo Entertainment System. And yes, I did put two "p's" in the word Pteropactyl.
It's true, the girls of Phase 2's 3rd floor (circa 2004-2005 academic year) knew exactly what to do when they didn't feel like going to class, studying, or hoeing it up for an Expo 5 party. That, my friends, was to engage in two-player Joust. We played it while eating Rotel cheese dip, we played it while listening to Yellowcard, and we played it while Amy was at her computer trying to actually get some work done for the newspaper.
You think I'm exaggerating? Scope it:
Yeah, that really happened.
Since there were usually 3 or 4 of us gathered around a 2 player game, it was often customary for those not playing to act as a commentator for the current game, adopting a cliche vernacular worthy of ESPN or The Golf Channel. Commentary breeds one-liners, and from the one-liners came:
THE JOUST SLOGANS!
Bear in mind, there were far more than what is listed below. But do know that each one was uttered with as much honesty, integrity, and graveness as the next.
"If Jousting is Wrong, I don't want to be Right" - Cara Wilson
"Tis a far better thing to have Jousted and Lost, then to never have Jousted at all" - Charity Bass
"Wave 30 or Bust!!" - Emily Musterman (and it is what became the standard creed of any self-respecting Jouster)
"Joust the Shadow Lord! Full Speed Ahead." -Lexi Bass
"Joust: Perfecting the Off-the-Ceiling bounce since 1982" -Charity Bass
"To Joust is human; to make it to Wave 30, divine." - unknown
"I picked the wrong pod to stand over that day." - Lexi Bass
"Joust: Separating the men, from the men who ride birds." - unknown
"Et tu, Bounder?" - William Shakespeare
"Don't Put all your Eggs Wave Eggs in one basket" - unknown
"You've only got one life (every 20,000 points)...Use it!" - unknown
"Blessed are the Jousters, for they shall inherit the Eggs." - Pretty sure that was God.
and now, the #1 Joust slogan of all time, as quoted by Amy Sadler:
"Live by the Gun, Die by the Stab Wound"
I will leave you with this piece of notebook paper artwork by the talented Lexi Bass:
Labels: Bounder, Eggs Wave, Hunter, Joust, NES, Nintendo, Pteropactyl, Shadow Lord
Q9)You are eating dinner with your family at an expensive restaurant when your little brother spills your soda-pop all over everyone! You are mortified. What do you do?
MOSTLY B'S: You are Pinky!
Congrats! You have proven yourself to be one smart cookie. Pinky, rather than blindly chasing Pac-Man around the maze, will choose another route to try to trap Pac-Man, watching with great pleasure as his mouth slowly expands into nothingness. This personality trait is why you have such great problem-solving skills. You have always been a team-player with your peers, and someone that can be counted on. Expect nothing less than success, Pinky!
MOSTLY C'S: You are Inky!
Inky's nickname, Bashful, is a perfect description of your personality. You often feel ashamed to act independantly, and sometimes run away from difficult situations (just like Inky will sometimes take an unexpected turn right as he gets close to eating Pac-Man!) On a positive note, you sometimes will set your basfulness aside and totally go crazy. This unpredictability seems to keep your lovers guessing...especially in the bedroom!!!
Labels: 80s, 90s, articles, NES generation, pop culture, quiz
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